Psycho-sexual mind games

For about sixth months now I have participated in an intricate maze of a relationship with a very fascinating woman. Pretty soon I plan to start writing a book about both of our lives and the way that they intertwined. The effect we have on each other is remarkable, a true paradox. We motivate and stimulate each other while bringing out our most self destructive selves. The interaction of our personalities in itself is hard to explain, mostly a combination of artistic inspiration and hidden physical and mental lust, a feeling that we need to consume each other. Eat each others souls. We have an insane amount in common,including a dark and manipulative alter-ego that's stroked when we're together. Our spirits go back all the way to ancient times. A psychic connection that is so strong it can't be controlled and turns us into one unstable hurricane of personality and eccentricity. Much of it stems from our pasts as alienated children with the only option of escaping into a fantasy world of wild dreams and rituals. When people like us find one another it's like a spiritual revelation,we realize that the moments when we're together are meant to be. Everything fits in it's place and is meaningful.

It fills me with deep sadness that such an amazing relationship will only lead to suffering and dysfunction. I speak of everything now with a cold and detached perspective. It results from numbness that was created because of one very cinematic moment, a voyeuristic sexual encounter with an alpha-male on my birthday. One that at first was beautiful and seductive and surreal, but it turned into an uncomfortable experience. It made me realize how dark things could become. Usually I wouldn't consider something like this unhealthy and find nothing wrong with the fulfillment of sexual fantasies. Though in the situation it's very different than one would imagine. Without self restraint people can become over powering, and this is the case. One of our few differences is that I have the ability to control my emotions. Sadly, that is what makes her so alive and interesting. She refuses to suppress her emotions. It's what makes her an artist and the world she participates in an audience of bewildered onlookers. Being on a stage, in every sense, has it's pros and cons. On one hand you become something that people adore and even worship, but being an idol means that you are forever isolated on a pedestal. You're no longer a human. You are a beautiful actor who seems to have everything, but in reality has nothing.